Survival of the Fittest
by Ladelle
Summary: When Sasuke's given the opportunity to take a business trip with Naruto God's gift to mankind , he concludes that jumping Naruto's bones is top priority. Three-shot gift for YuukoUchiha. SasuNaruSasu
1. Chapter 1

**Survival of the Fittest**

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**Author:** Ladelle

**Warnings**: For once, one of my stories labeled M is actually mature. The first chapter isn't so dirty, but trust me, by the third it gets there. Also language. And a lot of pop culture references. And hilarity.

**Comments:** Gift fic in three parts. The second one is already complete and the third is on its way. No worries to anyone concerned with Slumberland; the next chapter already has 12 pages and will be out most likely during the weekend.

Thank you Miss PringleBunny for beta-ing!

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**Chapter One:**

"I told you I should have driven," Sasuke settled into the passenger seat, arms crossed over his chest. He licked his lips and realized he had forgotten to bring chapstick. Settling his forehead against the window, he watched as the little strip of highway they were on was eaten away by encroaching woodlands.

Blurs of brown and green made Sasuke's head hurt and he closed his eyes, not daring to fall asleep but too bored with the 'scenic route' Naruto had insisted on. And while 'scenic route' provided him with a marginal amount of alone time with the lust of his life, Sasuke couldn't help but feel like they had become a regular Harold and Kumar. Only they weren't searching for White Castle.

Sasuke frowned.

Did White Castles still even exist?

From the driver's seat Naruto sighed, though Sasuke could practically see the mirth in it.

_Oh sure, smile at my misfortune, _Sasuke thought with bewilderment. Some guys would have counted their blessings to be stuck in an extremely small space with the man of their dreams. Sasuke decided thatthose types of people were masochists.

Naruto's smile deepened and Sasuke swallowed. He seriously hoped that mind reading wasn't one of his intern's lesser known talents.

Naruto got his way too easily. How could anyone say no to someone who looked like they had just walked out of a Calvin Klein ad? Blond hair, tanned skin, toned muscles that made Sasuke feel like a stick in comparison…How did normal people even hold conversations with Naruto when his laughter made Sasuke's skin prickle with a forbidden sense of excitement?

"The _only_ reason you wanted to drive is so you could say '_Naruto, don't talk to me because I'm concentrating'_," Naruto stated, puckering his face to mimic Sasuke's tone.

Which was exaggerated, Sasuke mentally added.

Naruto released another contented sigh. "And if we're going to vacation together, we may as well bond."

Sasuke stifled a groan. Whatever type of 'bonding' Naruto had in mind, Sasuke's was completely different. While Naruto's version apparently involved a road trip and occasional sightseeing, Sasuke's fantasy included cherry flavored lube, handcuffs, and a sign reading 'do not disturb'.

"We are not 'vacationing'."

Talk about the misconception of the decade. They had been working in the same building for nearly a few months now, and for some reason unbeknownst to Sasuke, the director had put Naruto under his wing. It was strange because Sasuke had been working bounties for a good couple of years, and Naruto was fresh from wherever he had come from. Assuming college, Sasuke wondered why the hell an education would bring such a winner to bounty hunting. An_ intern_ for bounty hunting, no less.

"I hate to break it to you, but this is what normal people call a _road trip!_" Naruto swerved in the lane a bit as he laughed and Sasuke nearly snapped his neck in order to give the other man a suitable glare. It was hard to be angry at someone so charismatic, Sasuke decided, his face softening when Naruto's pearlescent blue eyes caught his own. He felt a familiar heat make his blood boil and he quickly broke their eye contact.

"I have motion sickness and I would appreciate it if you—"

"Sasuke, a deer!"

Sasuke turned his attention to the road, where a single bewildered deer stood miles ahead of them, staring at their vehicle like it would suddenly sprout wings and fly away.

"I've never seen a wild deer before!" Naruto was smiling so brightly that Sasuke was sure he would leave the car with a significant tan. He gripped the dashboard and felt panic set in.

Naruto: Most attractive man in the world.

Naruto: Not the brightest crayon in the box.

"This is a one lane highway, you moron!" He reached for the steering wheel, but Naruto deftly held him at bay. His eyes were wild with allure and excitement and he grinned at Sasuke. "Take a picture of it!"

As they closed in on the poor animal, Sasuke nearly growled. "I am _not_ taking a picture of _your_ road kill!" He glanced out to see the deer again, and as Sasuke predicted, the poor specimen of wildlife was frozen in pure terror as Naruto sped maniacally towards it.

"It's not road—hey, why isn't he moving?" Naruto's eyebrows drew inwards and he leaned forward as though the few inches would give him a better gage at what the animal was thinking. He even honked the horn.

_Yeah, deer! Obey the rules of the road! _Sasuke groaned.

He grabbed his seat cushion and braced for impact right before Naruto slammed his foot onto the brakes. The car made an awful squealing sound as it screeched to a halt and Sasuke's life flashed before his eyes.

Memories of an unfortunate childhood.

The time he tripped on the stage during high school graduation.

The parents that he hadn't confessed his undying love to.

The fact he was going to die with a beautiful man beside him.

The more painstaking realization that he hadn't jumped Naruto's bones yet.

But the car stopped, and Sasuke didn't die.

_There's still a chance for the sex!_

At least he had his priorities straight.

"Sasuke, Sasuke! _Take a picture_!" Naruto's voice was a barely audible whisper as he peeked over the steering wheel.

Sasuke wasn't even aware they had brought a camera. The smell of burning rubber assaulted his nose and he choked out a cough, vaguely aware that the seatbelt had done a number to his neck.

"Sasuke! It's _right_ in front of us," Naruto's voice had died down even more than before and when Sasuke poked open an eye, low and behold, not two feet in front of their car stood the deer. And as quickly as he had seen it, the deer loped away into the brush, leaving a starry eyed Naruto pining the loss of its company.

_I refuse to die barreling after wildlife in the middle of nowhere,_ Sasuke's face soured. He unsnapped his seatbelt and popped the button to Naruto's.

"Get out of the car," Sasuke demanded, and when Naruto gave him a confused look, Sasuke merely repeated the command with more intensity.

"But Sasuke—" Naruto whined, as the other man rounded the car.

"You are a danger not only to yourself, but to every other thing out here. Me, the deer -" Sasuke pointed at the lovely artistic statement left by their tires on the highway, " - the_ road_. Get out."

Naruto frowned. "I am not a danger!"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not times infinity!"

"Are too times—ugh!" Sasuke yanked open the door and put his hands on his hips. "Out, out, out!"

Naruto begrudgingly stepped out of the car but his frame blocked Sasuke from climbing in. "The car is just fine Sasuke. No harm done!" His eyes begged forgiveness.

As if on cue, the abrupt pop and sputter of a deflating tire whistled from behind them. Sasuke groaned and bowed his head to meet the top of Naruto's ajar driver's side door and he banged it lightly a couple of times. He tried to remember just what it was he lived for in his life.

He had a plant back home that needed watering.

That was a good enough reason to carry on.

"I think I saw some flares in the trunk…" Naruto started, and Sasuke grabbed his tanned wrist before Naruto could make headway on that idea. Their eyes met, but this time Sasuke wasn't dumbstruck.

"You are to go nowhere near anything flammable," Sasuke directed. When he was sure Naruto wouldn't make a run for the emergency kit in the trunk, he spoke again. "I'm going to get my cell phone."

Sasuke sauntered back to his side of the car, dipping inside in order to dig through his backpack. When his fingers gripped the familiar leather cover he yanked out his phone, relieved to see at least one bar of a signal. He began the search for a particular phone number and Naruto looked over to him curiously.

"Who are you gonna call?"

_Ghost Busters!_

Sasuke took a deep breath and answered calmly, even if his mind was going one thousand miles an hour. "Gaara," he replied, referring to the person they had been traveling to see. After one of their bounties had jumped counties, Sasuke and Naruto had been made into delivery boys to deliver the original documentation to another branch.

"Hello, is Gaara available?" Sasuke asked, shifting in place. "No, we were actually on our way to see him. An hour? Right. It's very important that he call me back. Thank you."

Phone flipped shut, Sasuke ran a hand through his hair. "Okay, I guess we're walking until we find a gas station. They'll probably have a tow truck, considering this place is the middle of nowhere…"

Naruto frowned. "I'm sorry about the car…"

Sasuke appreciated the guilt he heard in Naruto's tone. "Yes, I know." He moved towards the car in order to collect his backpack and a few other belongings, content that it had stopped far enough from the center of the road that they wouldn't have to move it any further.

"I'm an ace mechanic," Naruto said suddenly, with a certain purr in his voice. "If you've got a spare, I can get it on no problem."

Sasuke slung his backpack over his shoulders, anxious to rid himself of that mental image before he landed himself in an even more embarrassing predicament. "No spare. It's the company vehicle," he explained, and that basically meant his father was cheap and didn't expect bad things like flat tires to happen.

"Well that's kind of stupid," Naruto scratched his head and Sasuke was content to see that they agreed on something. The man behind the mask of Uchiha Bail Bonds was practical. If Fugaku Uchiha was anything but practical, he wouldn't own the most profitable business in the trade.

"Let's go," Sasuke started down the road and heard a delay in Naruto's step before the intern jogged a bit to catch up. Wind whistled through the pines and tree larks hummed distant melodies, and the entire cadenza was summed up with a brilliantly simple statement.

"It's pretty out here."

Sasuke watched as Naruto searched the canopy of trees for a peephole of sky, grinning brilliantly in the process. He struck Sasuke as the type of man who preferred the outdoors, his tousled hair and sun kissed skin visible proof. People who sat inside all day didn't earn that coloring, and as Sasuke's eyes slipped down to take in the muscular calves escaping Naruto's beige cargo shorts, he decided that type of toning didn't either. It was all Sasuke could do _not_ imagining those tanned legs peeling his own apart, flexing in a sweet and succulent anticipation for-

"Sasuke, watch out for the-"

_Pothole_, Sasuke's inner-self finished as he stumbled over one. A shot of pain etched its way up to his kneecap from his ankle and he grimaced as he stumbled forward, hands out front to catch his fall. Only his fall never came.

"Whoa," Naruto had grabbed Sasuke's backpack and was holding him - with virtually no strain - at a forty-degree angle from the tar below. "Something tells me that hurt."

Not willing to admit that falling would have hurt worse, Sasuke righted himself and twisted out of Naruto's grasp. His pride had been mortally wounded and as he attempted to step forward, he realized that his ankle obviously had been as well. He crouched down to the ground and pulled up the bell of his workpants, trying to get an eye on what damage had been done. Nothing looked bruised...yet.

"Are you okay?" Naruto knelt down beside Sasuke and settled his palm onto Sasuke's foot, squeezing lightly. A jolt of pain sent Sasuke flat on his ass and he cursed.

"What the hell did you do that for?"

Naruto's face was suddenly very serious, and the pure concentration in his grey eyes made Sasuke's blood churn. They were so close to each other, and the heat from Naruto's hand felt like sweet relief over his injury.

Sasuke had never been one to play the damsel in distress, but he couldn't help that the frustration of the day was leading him to primal thoughts and carnal notions. Before his sanity had the chance to lasso his lust back to a restrainable distance, he circled his fingers over Naruto's and led them upward, careful to make sure that Naruto got a decent feel of his smooth leg. Their eye contact never broke, and because Naruto didn't seem to refuse the gesture, Sasuke spoke softly. "It hurts here too."

He glanced up, waiting for something - anything - to cross Naruto's face. Still, there was only concern. Sasuke wanted to ask if Naruto was oblivious or just incredibly stupid. Instead, he created a visual of a fantasy he had long had by leading Naruto's fingers to his thigh and breathlessly stating, "And here."

Naruto still didn't look phased. He glanced from the place their hands lingered and back to Sasuke's face, incredibly serious. "Sasuke, I think you sprained your ankle. And really badly if it's affecting the tendons in your entire leg."

Sasuke blinked. How any normal human being could ignore any sexual implications in what he had just done was a complete and baffling mystery. Naruto stood up quickly, and walked out onto the bleached black road.

Sasuke hissed at the loss of his long-desired touch. In the distance he heard a car approaching, and his spider-senses warned him as to what Naruto was up to.

"No, Naruto, don't-"

But it was too late. Naruto's hand was already outstretched, one thumb up requesting a ride. The deteriorated station wagon pummeling up the road looked unforgiving enough, and Sasuke prayed to the gods of 'don't make me look like more of an idiot than I am already' that it would just pass by the same way taxis did in the city.

If there was anything Sasuke didn't have on this trip, it was luck, apparently.

The station wagon skid to a stop right in front of Naruto's hand and the blond beamed back at Sasuke. "Lucky us!" he proclaimed.

Sasuke contemplated curling up into the pothole and claiming it as his grave. After all, he was going to die. Anyone that hitch-hiked died. And was it coincidental that all serial killers just _happened _to own a station wagon? It was like the hip version of a hearse. Naruto extended a hand to him and Sasuke glared, not willing to take the invitation.

"No thank you, I will walk." He clumsily scuffled to his feet, doing his best to ignore the fiery pain that assaulted his ankle every time his heel pressed against the sole of his shoe. He shuffled on, and a dazed Naruto held up a finger to the driver of the station wagon, asking politely for him to wait.

"Sasuke," Naruto placed a hand on the other man's shoulder as he caught up. When Sasuke shook it off, he was gripped again and more harshly. "Stop being a jerk! This guy's offering us a ride!"

Sasuke snapped and whipped around. "To where? _Hell_?"

Naruto blinked. "What?"

Sasuke attempted to flatten a nonexistent wrinkle from the front of his shirt. "I am too young to die."

"You think the guy in the car is going to kill you?" Naruto laughed out loud. "Don't you have a gun in there?" he asked, motioning towards Sasuke's backpack. And yes, while that was true, Sasuke didn't have the energy to point out that his gun did no good _in there_, where 'there' was buried beneath the paperwork they were aiming to deliver. In his four years of being a bounty hunter, he had never even needed to use the gun.

Sensing a certain animosity from his glare, Naruto frowned. "You also have me."

And while this was a valid point, seeing as to how Naruto stood a good few inches taller and had the muscles of an aspiring football player, Sasuke couldn't help but feel touched by those words. Although, his mind supplied him with the sudden demand to be touched by _other_ things...

Sasuke coughed. Delusions of grandeur had landed him in this situation in the first place.

Eyes narrowed. He examined Naruto and weighed his capabilities. In his mind, he felt like the action director of a kung fu movie, playing out all potential scenarios in which the driver of the vehicle could be a serial killer. In the end, Naruto always won. And then they had victory sex.

That was enough incentive to agree. What earned great sex better than guilt? _You promised we wouldn't be attacked, so now I order you to _fuck_ me!_

Yes, a very good plan indeed.

"Alright," Sasuke answered. "But only until we get to a gas station."

Naruto nodded resolutely. "Roger that."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"You know, like 'affirmative'..."

Sasuke turned around and began limping towards the car whilst shaking his head. From behind him, Naruto chuckled. "Would you prefer a 'yes, master'?"

Sasuke didn't answer this. Instead he pretended like he had never heard it. He mentally told his libido the comment had all been a carefully constructed fantasy in an effort to soothe the sexual frustration Naruto seemed so good at innocently creating.

After shrugging off his backpack Sasuke slid into the passenger seat, mostly because the driver of the car had reached over and popped it open for him. Naruto claimed the seat behind him and after an argument that consisted of Naruto plucking the backpack from his lap, also claimed Sasuke's only form of potential self defense. Even if it _was_ buried.

"Hi."

Sasuke's head slowly turned to meet the gaze of the driver who was staring intently at him. He responded with unease. "Hello."

"Thanks for the ride!" Naruto nearly shouted from the back and the pure enthusiasm behind the comment made Sasuke jump. The driver smiled and it was apparent the expression didn't happen often. A dimple appeared and dark eyes gleamed, and Sasuke noticed, with much abhorrence, that the man was wearing a belly shirt and daisy dukes.

Oh shit. Leave it to his one and only hitch hiking experience to be picked up, literally, by one of the few people who could identify his sexual orientation straight off. And in front of Naruto! He embraced fear because fear was the only thing willing to love him wholeheartedly.

"What are you two doing way out here?" the driver asked as the car sped forward. The whole scene reminded Sasuke of a Saturday Night Live skit he had never imagined himself being apart of. No rendition of Night at the Roxbury had ever included a sexually repressed bounty hunter, his ridiculously hot and sassy blond sidekick, and a serial killer queen. Even in his mind, it sounded psychotic. And since when had he ever thought of Naruto as sassy?

Sasuke gagged.

"Business," Naruto answered in Sasuke's stead, assuming he wouldn't. The assumption was correct. Naruto continued, still gloriously entertained. "Sasuke here tripped and fell into a pothole and so we just need a lift to a gas station."

Thank you for that marvelous introduction, Sasuke thought placidly.

"My name is Naruto, by the way. And thanks again!" Sasuke could feel Naruto's fingers digging into the seat cushion behind his head as he poked between the front seats, eager for conversation. He _was_ the type of person who could get along with anyone, Sasuke begrudgingly admitted.

"It's no problem," the driver stated. "My name is Sai. My doctor told me I should interact with people more."

Sasuke felt his fingernails clench into his palm. What kind of doctor gave advice like that? Psychologists, right? The driver was mental. A crazy queen! Sasuke was so right, they were all going to die, only it would probably all be very thoughtfully planned out and there would probably be gift bags and a get-to-know-you mixer...

"Oh yeah? When I was a kid, a doctor told me that too." Naruto's voice didn't drop at all, and Sasuke's nose cinched. He realized, in a shot, that he knew very little about Naruto and his past.

Sai smiled, but the expression was only skin deep. "My doctor also told me to stay away from the organization."

"Organization?" Sasuke asked, and immediately bit his tongue. _No! Now he knows the sound of my voice!_

Sai was still smiling. "Yeah, the one I work for. It's a secret. No one is allowed to know about it. I even have a tattoo on my tongue that will kill me if I ever reveal its secrets."

Sasuke, very slowly - no, _extremely_ slowly - rotated his head, twisting it nearly ninety degrees in order to make eye contact with Naruto. He stared. For a long time. Naruto looked hesitant.

"Did you hear that, Naruto? He has a tattoo that will kill him if he talks about his job."

Naruto laughed nervously. "Sounds rough..."

"It's not that bad," Sai straightened in his seat. "I draw. Would you like to see my sketchbook?"

Sasuke was staring very seriously at the driver.

"Sure!" Naruto exclaimed, and Sasuke added, very coolly, "Are you going to have to kill us afterwards?" There was no joking in his tone.

Sai did laugh, and it was completely phony. "No, of course not. We're friends."

Sasuke continued to stare. Sai added, "It's in the glove compartment."

Caught between asking 'you're sanity?' or 'the weapon you plan to kill me with?' was the decision to just lean forward, mentally preparing himself for whatever could be inside. He swallowed a lump in his throat. Goosebumps raised on his arms as his fingers gripped the handle and he held his breath as he popped it open, prepared to scream like a girl.

Luckily he didn't because all that was inside _was_ the sketchbook. He sighed in relief and pulled the book onto his lap. Naruto leaned over his shoulder, and Sasuke felt like he could face any creepy or shitty piece of artwork as long as the intern stayed firmly planted where he was. Sasuke flipped open to the first page.

The art wasn't horrible. It wasn't amazing. The sketch featured someone that looked like Sai, standing alone in a field. Or what appeared to be a field. There was a collection of massive green scribbles beneath the figure with a few splotches of color that may or may not have been flowers.

Most of them were red. Dripping red. Like blood.

Interesting.

He turned the page. It was another picture of someone that looked like Sai, in the same position and with the same clothes, only this time he was standing over blue scribbles.

"It's the ocean," Sai explained monotonely, as if he'd been asked several times before.

Sasuke turned the page. Two Sai's, side-by-side. Holding hands.

"That's my brother."

Naruto leaned closer to the picture. "You have a brother?"

"No."

Sasuke frowned. "But you just said that-"

"He doesn't exist!" Sai yelled, and Sasuke closed the sketchbook and let his eyes jump to the road straight ahead. Even Naruto settled into the backseat, although he hadn't quite lost his sense of eternal acceptance.

"You're a good artist," he commented.

Sasuke resisted the urge to snort, simply because he valued his life more than his cynicism. In the distance, he saw light. They were driving into a clearing. And further ahead, he saw an exit. He felt a smile claim his lips. An exit meant a gas station!

"So, which one of you has the bigger penis?"

Too baffled to blink, Sasuke pretended he hadn't heard the question at all. It would have been easier if Naruto hadn't burst out laughing. Unsatisfied that there hadn't been a straight answer, Sai frowned. "Well?"

Naruto wiped a tear from his eye before looking oddly out of place. "Well what?"

"I guess it's not you then." Sai responded, his expression unchanging.

Sasuke pursed his lips and sat up straight in his seat, preparing to tuck and roll out of the car. It seemed like a better death then whatever this Sai character had in mind, considering their manly bits were now an integral part of whatever was going on in his head.

"Excuse me, but my penis is amazing," Naruto countered, and Sasuke's ears perked when he heard nothing but defense in the other man's tone. It made his pants tighten. He saw Sai shift from the corner of his eyes and simply stared towards the upcoming exit. The tension in his pants disappeared.

_Don't make the crazy man mad; don't make the crazy man mad..._

"I'm betting it's pretty small," Sai said, so nonchalantly that Sasuke wasn't sure why Naruto wouldn't just let it go. Not that he didn't mind hearing how gifted his intern was. He just didn't want Naruto to lose his goodies before he had a chance to put them to use.

Good use.

Naruto was practically fuming. "I'll show it to you! I'll prove to you that 'small' is _not_ in my vocabulary!"

Sasuke thought he might faint. The carnal part of him was cheering Naruto on, urging him to yell 'whip it out!' while doing mental cheerleading cartwheels. The more practical side of himself thankfully took over. He turned and placed a hand over Naruto's, which was still on the neck of his seat.

"I believe that your penis is amazing and big," he stated, his eyes pleading. _Don't let my first experience with your great and powerful man-shaft be in a beat up station wagon with this freak!_

Naruto's eyes lightened and his anger dispelled slightly. He pouted.

"There's a gas station at the next exit." Sai stated.

Sasuke didn't admit he'd been counting down the mile markers.

The remaining minutes of the drive held complete silence. An eerie silence, at that. Sai pulled into the gas station parking lot and Sasuke resisted the primal temptation of throwing himself out of the car and kissing the earth below. Instead, he calmly turned and exited, mumbling a very discreet "Thank you."

Naruto climbed out as well, and surprisingly, Sai did too. Only to duck back in, rifle under the driver's seat, and pull out two banged up paper cranes. He walked to Sasuke and Naruto's side of the car and handed them one each, smiling that crazy smile once again.

"It's a gift for my friends! My doctor said I should have a hobby..."

Sasuke stared at the paper crane which actually looked more like a turtle in a tutu. There was a long stretch of silence before he realized Sai was expecting him to say something.

He glanced around. His eyes made their way back to the driver's. He swallowed a lump in his throat.

"Thank you."

Naruto repeated the sentiment.

Sai's smile grew into something painfully forced before he slid back into his car and drove off into the distance.

The silence continued between Sasuke and Naruto, even after the dust from Sai's departure had settled. Sasuke glanced down to the wad of paper in his hands, crumpled it, and threw it over his shoulder.

"Hey, that's-" Naruto began, but Sasuke glared.

"_You_ are not allowed to speak."

Silence.

And then a muffled, "Yes, master."

Sasuke intensified his glare. "I would like my phone now."

Naruto's hand reached to his shoulder in order to grab the shoulder strap of the backpack. Only there was no backpack. Blue eyes widened. If Sasuke's frown deepened anymore than it had already, he was sure his jaw would fall off.

"Naruto."

"I swear, I just-my _penis_-"

"What does your penis have to do with my _missing _backpack?"

Sasuke's face marred until he was the exact replica of the Scream painting. "Oh no, oh no. My backpack. The paperwork. My gun. My IDs!"

His ankle protested an attempt to move forward and he slid to the ground in an undignified lump, one arm outstretched dramatically towards the highway that had swallowed up his entire purpose for this ridiculous road trip.

"Sasuke, I'm _so_ sorry, I'll make this right, I-"

If looks could kill, Sasuke would have bashed Naruto's head in with his own busted ankle. He buried his head in his hands and after a couple of minutes, Naruto spoke.

"We should call Gaara."

Sasuke snorted. "That would be a great idea if we had his number. Which is in my phone. That you lost."

"I didn't lose anything; we know where it is." Naruto rebutted.

"Oh, I feel so much better knowing it's with Sai the Psychotic Station Wagon Driver." Sasuke hissed, never one for clever nicknames.

Ignoring the comment, Naruto continued. "And I do have his number," Naruto was digging through his back pocket and revealed his phone. Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"Why do you have Gaara's phone number?" he asked, genuinely curious as to how his intern had gotten a hold of such a thing. Naruto was scrolling through contacts before he lifted the device to his ear.

"Because the boss gave it to me."

Sasuke felt something inside of him snap. Since when did his own father second guess his judgment? Since when had Naruto become so welcomed at the office that he was treated with the same dignity that Sasuke was? Even if he _did_ have an amazing penis? Or so Sasuke imagined.

"Hi, is Gaara there yet?" Naruto asked, and Sasuke grimaced at the lack of professional tact. He would have slapped a hand to his forehead if it wasn't already there, defending his eyes from the sun.

"He is? Awesome," Naruto paused and after a mere few seconds it appeared he had Gaara on the other line. "Hey Gaara, this is Naruto. Sasuke and I were on assignment to deliver you some paperwork but there have been a few complications..."

Sasuke was grateful Naruto hadn't attempted to explain them.

"You're going to come and get us yourself? That's super nice!" Naruto's eyes glittered. "Okay, we'll stay occupied until then. Right. Bye!"

Naruto returned his phone to his rear pocket and ticked the paper crane in his front pocket. Sasuke stood up. "You're keeping it?"

"It's like a memento," he explained, defending his action.

Sasuke threw his hands in the air. "We hitch-hike with a psychopath and you want a souvenir? He even insulted your manhood!"

Naruto looked troubled at the memory but shrugged. "He'll never get to see it so what do I care what he thinks?"

Sasuke couldn't argue with logic like that, especially because he didn't want to lead the conversation anywhere near Naruto hinting Sasuke wouldn't have a chance of seeing it either. Sasuke was smart though. Naruto was most likely straight. That being said, Sasuke was pretty sure he was comfortable with men, regardless. No completely straight man let another man cop a fake feel-up opportunity like he had earlier.

"Are you just going to sit out here in the sun?" Naruto asked calmly.

Sasuke rubbed his foot. "My ankle hurts."

It was less than a second before Naruto's arms came crashing towards him, all in preparation to pick him up and carry him over the threshold of the gas station, which was also conveniently connected to a suspicious little diner called Route 66. Sasuke flailed enough to avoid Naruto's intentions and pointed an accusing finger.

"I am _not_ a woman!"

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "What are you pointing at _me_ for?"

"You were going to carry me! Like-" Sasuke sputtered, "-like some sort of bride!"

Naruto appeared very concerned. "Do you take anxiety pills?"

Sasuke's jaw dropped. He hadn't told_ anyone_ about that and-

"Because you are_ really_ worked up right now."

Sasuke took a few deep breaths. He counted down from ten. He thought about the plant at home that needed him to stay sane so he'd be able to return to water it. He held up his hand so that Naruto could pull him to his feet.

"Better?" Naruto asked, and Sasuke nodded. Naruto seemed appeased. "Good. Gaara is only a little ways away, I guess. So let's get your car towed before he comes."

Sasuke nodded again and struggled past Naruto, refusing to let the other man be his crutch. He had lost enough pride today.

They made it inside safely and the air-conditioning assaulted them full force, making Sasuke's skin prickle with goose pimples. He went to the front counter and waited patiently for someone to come to his assistance, and Naruto came to stand beside him, leaning onto the counter and releasing a contented sigh.

"Isn't that cold?" Sasuke questioned. He hadn't even touched the countertop for fear of how chilled it would be.

Naruto closed his eyes and smiled. "Feels good."

Considering how Naruto was built, Sasuke supposed it made sense that he would be a walking incinerator. He was tempted to step closer to the blond, to let their skin touch just once so that Naruto could make him 'feel good'. It was just too damn cold inside.

"How can I help you...two?" The woman who came to the counter was obviously one of those small town rebels, with brown hair died bubblegum pink and a piece of Big Red in her mouth too add more to the effect. She smacked it a bit before glancing between them.

Sasuke sighed. "My car is abandoned on the highway with a flat tire," he explained.

"It's my fault," Naruto said, and his eyes fell to a half-mast Conqueror of Woman stare. "But let me make it up to you and buy you some coffee."

The girl, named Sakura (or so her battered nametag read), raised an eyebrow. "Shouldn't you be buying _him_ some coffee?"

Naruto's eyes nearly crossed when he tried to figure out where he'd gone wrong.

"Do you have a towing service here?" Sasuke interrupted, his homosexual hopefulness blowing away with a blast of air from the AC above them.

Sakura smacked her gum a bit more and rested her elbows on the counter, pressing her chin into her upturned palms. "For you, I've got anything."

Sasuke maintained a passive stare before blinking. _Barking up the wrong tree, babe._

Naruto was practicing his Failure of Conquering Woman pout when Sasuke sighed. "I'm not your type, trust me. But I would love for someone to tow my car."

The girl frowned and huffed. "Awe, boo. Well, let me just see your ID..." she reached beneath the counter in order to rifle for some paperwork. Sasuke turned an expectant glare to Naruto until he finally revealed his wallet.

"I'll reimburse you," Sasuke said, and Naruto looked a bit like he didn't intend to take the offer. It _was_ his fault, after all. Still, Sasuke was his boss and making an intern pay utility made him feel bad. Slightly. Naruto hitting on the first female they'd seen thus far made him feel worse.

Naruto filled out the paperwork and gave Sakura the address of Gaara's office, hoping they could get it to a lot nearby. Sakura seemed easygoing enough to aim for it and Sasuke felt good about that at least. As Naruto was signing the last bit of paperwork someone else entered the gas station, and when Sasuke turned he immediately recognized the newcomer.

"Gaara," he said, and his professional composure returned. "I'm so sorry about this."

Gaara smiled. "It got me out of the office, so your apologies aren't necessary. An explanation would be nice, however."

"So you're Gaara!" After Naruto pocketed his wallet he whipped around and extended his hand. And Sasuke saw it. The glimmer in Gaara's eyes that proved that the business owner saw in Naruto exactly what Sasuke did. His teeth clenched together as their hands met.

"Naruto Uzumaki, I presume?" Gaara asked, and the name rolled off his tongue with an ease that made Sasuke uncomfortable.

Naruto beamed. "Yup. Sorry about all this. It's been a long day. I think Sasuke needs a nap."

When Gaara chuckled, Sasuke grit his teeth. "I think I need to get laid."

Naruto's smile dimmed and he stared at Sasuke, probably trying to figure out if the other man was joking. Sasuke wasn't. He also wasn't aware he had said that aloud.

Gaara moved towards the door, pretending he hadn't heard anything at all. "Let's be on our way. I'd like to know how your luck's turned so bad."

Sasuke decided that he wanted to know too, and concluded halfheartedly that in the end, he had very little luck to begin with.


	2. Chapter 2

**Survival of the Fittest**

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**Author:** Ladelle

**Comments:** Hilarity continues. Thank you for all of the reviews. Glad I could provide some laughs, LOL. This is definitely my wonkier side of writing. One more part down and SL 11 is being beta'd. Three cheers for a productive writing week. Hip-hip-HOORAY! Hip-hip-HOORAY! Hip-hip-HOORAY! Oh, and thanks to PringleBunny again for editing. :D

**Warnings:** Language and adult situations. Rated M for mature.

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**Part 2**

When Gaara heard the rundown of what had happened, Sasuke expected disbelief. But because Naruto was the one who did all of the talking, it seemed like the businessman was willing to sacrifice his bullshit detector in favor of humoring said blond.

"I think the first thing we need to do is attempt to track down this Sai fellow," Gaara commanded wisely. Naruto nodded.

"I was thinking that, too. Despite the fact he was a bit _strange_...I don't think he would hold the backpack hostage."

Sasuke could imagine it. He could definitely visualize Sai cutting up newspaper articles for letters of the alphabet before mailing ransom notes and sending random pictures of his backpack via post. He didn't even want to imagine what Sai might do with his gun. Which reminded him.

"I need to report my gun stolen," Sasuke stated. He stared down at his empty mug of coffee, feeling like he'd need to drink a thousand more to stay caffeinated. After arriving at their hotel, which Gaara had respectively paid for with the promise for compensation, the three of them had sauntered downstairs to experience the joys of the restaurant attached to it. It was a four star establishment, but Sasuke couldn't eat.

He felt like too much of a failure.

"But Sai didn't steal it," Naruto was frowning, even as he shoveled brisket into his mouth. How someone could eat so much was beyond Sasuke. He wondered if each of Naruto's bulging biceps had a stomach of its own.

"If someone if injured and they link it to my gun and I don't have it, I could go to jail, Naruto." He could feel his tone becoming more and more clipped as time went on. Maybe he did need a nap. His ankle needed a bandage, that was for sure. He could barely keep his tennis shoe on with the way it was swelling.

Naruto looked distressed but didn't argue. Instead he asked, "Hey, do you need help?"

Peeling himself up from his chair, Sasuke was intent on reporting his gun missing. His plan was to use the front desk's phone, and as far as he could guess, the walk was about 30 strides away.

"Why don't you just use my cell phone?" Gaara asked, as though the solution was that simple. If Gaara hadn't been giving Naruto the eye, it would have been that simple. But seeing as how Sasuke and Gaara had become rivals in lust, Sasuke deemed the enemy's assistance unacceptable.

Sasuke bit back a hiss of pain as he stood and waved the two other men off. "You two seem like you have a lot you want to discuss," he said bitterly. Naruto leapt up, either ignoring or ignorant to what Sasuke had implied. Judging by the fact that Naruto wasn't the sharpest weed whacker in the backyard, Sasuke decided on 'oblivious'.

"As soon as you're done we're going upstairs." Naruto jammed the last bit of food on his plate into his mouth before turning his attention back to Gaara. "He really needs to be off his ankle."

Gaara seemed to understand, though the look he gave Sasuke made it seem like the bounty hunter was faking his pain for Naruto's attention. He slowly smirked. What a brilliant idea.

"Yeah, maybe you _should_ come with me," he said, resting his weight against the arm that Naruto had offered him. "It does seem far now that I'm standing."

"Okay," Naruto agreed, a flash of concern darkening his eyes. "Thank you for everything, Gaara. We'll get started on tracking Sai down in the morning. In the meantime, would you mind not mentioning any of this to-"

"Of course not," Gaara smiled pleasantly. "Fugaku will never know. This is our secret."

While Sasuke was grateful, he was also stubborn. He said his commendments while using Naruto's attentiveness to his full advantage and was enthralled when Gaara finally departed. It hurt more than he thought it would getting to the main desk, but he managed and when his phone call was complete he and Naruto made their way to the fifth floor where their room resided.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, feeling ecstatic to not have to stand anymore. The pain in his foot died enough for him to feel the difference, but not enough for him to feel content.

"We don't have an extra changes of clothes," he muttered, already feeling gross in his current apparel.

Naruto fished some coins from his wallet. "They have a little laundry room at the end of the hall. Gimme your clothes," he commanded, and started to strip himself of his own. Sasuke turned beet red and scoffed.

"I can't just get naked!"

Naruto tugged off his cargo pants and t-shirt and whipped his belt out from the loop. He tossed it onto his bed and turned to stare at Sasuke, who was doing his best not to look like a boy who'd just hit puberty and couldn't control his bodily functions.

"Ah...um..." Sasuke soaked up the image like a sponge. Naruto was certainly tan everywhere. His chest was immaculately toned and his abdomen gave way to the smooth ridges of rippling muscle. His boxers were short and revealed a glorious expanse of Naruto's thigh, beautiful and golden and muscular.

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "You can't get naked?"

Sasuke debated revising his question. The relay sounded a lot like a perverted law and order episode. _If I choose to get naked, will or will not the situation include you and me and potentially the belt?_

Sasuke could hear straight Naruto's reply. _"Objection!"_

Sasuke tried to redeem himself. "I...don't want to pull my pants over my ankle."

Naruto was eager enough to solve that little problem. Or excuse. But how did you tell your roommate, coincidentally your intern, that you didn't want to get naked because you were afraid you'd pop a boner and rape him in his sleep?

Naruto reached down to hold the lower hems of Sasuke's pants, crouching in front of Sasuke in a way that made him sure that most of his blood had just ran a marathon to his crotch. He squirmed.

"You have to unbutton your pants, Sasuke," Naruto guided and Sasuke wanted to do nothing but pretend this was delicious foreplay. His fingers tugged on the button and slid the zipper down, and le lifted himself from the bed so Naruto could finish the project of freeing him - in more ways than one. His pants slid off and Sasuke was grateful that his own t-shirt was long enough to cover the arousal the action had given him.

Naruto eyed him. "Your shirt too."

Was it Sasuke's imagination or was Naruto's stare a bit carnal on its own? Even the tone of his voice seemed to have changed. Sasuke bit back a laugh.

Yeah, right.

"Hold on," Sasuke stood up and hobbled to the bathroom. "I'm going to take a shower," he explained, and pulled off his shirt while he was facing away from the blond. _No proof of excitement for you!_

"I don't think that's a good idea. What if you slip and fall while I'm gone?" It was endearing when Naruto cared whether Sasuke lived or died.

Sasuke slowly shut the door. "Oh, I'll be fine."

He waited until he heard the door to the hotel room open and close, signifying Naruto's departure. He nearly scalded himself with hot water as he climbed in before adjusting the temperature, leaving his boxers in a clump on the floor in front of the toilet. He scrambled to open the small shampoo sample and squirted a bit onto his palm and deftly led his fingers to his arousal. The pain in his ankle combined with the pleasure from his stroking gave him an awkward feeling of erotica. He imagined Naruto's fingers working the same magic and felt all of his sexual tension from the day boiling- no - bubbling up from inside of him, threatening to burst at any moment. He grit his teeth and threw his head back and -

"Shit Sasuke, sorry, but I've really gotta go," Naruto had burst into the bathroom, apparently to piss.

"MOTHER FUCKER!" Sasuke cried as he came and as soon as Naruto was finished, which was very quickly, he yanked the shower curtain open.

"Are you okay?"

Sasuke had nearly collapsed and blushed madly before grabbing his ankle. "It hurts so bad!" he lied, covering up what he had done.

"I told you!" Naruto looked angry as he reached in and Sasuke batted his hand away.

"I'm naked, you heathen!" he yelled, and Naruto's face twisted into something entirely controlling and demanding. Sasuke liked it.

"Like it's something I haven't seen before," he responded and he plucked Sasuke out like he weighed nothing. Tan hands grabbed a towel which Sasuke absently folded around himself as Naruto led him out to his own bed and dropped him there, unceremoniously. Naruto disappeared into the bathroom and the water turned off, and when Naruto emerged, he tossed Sasuke's boxers to him. "Put on some clothes, princess."

Sasuke felt abashed. He scrambled to put on his boxers before Naruto provided him with a wet towel, most likely for his ankle. "Do you want me to wrap it?"

Pride led Sasuke to want to say no, but in the long run, he didn't know the first things about how to properly wrap a hand towel around his injured foot. He glared. "If I knew how I'd say no."

Naruto sighed and wrapped it expertly, leading Sasuke to question his skills. "How do you know all of this stuff?"

"Boy scouts," Naruto answered vaguely. "Now go to sleep. You're not much fun when you're grumpy."

Sasuke snorted. "I have plenty of reasons to be grumpy."

"You're super attractive when you smile."

Sasuke did a double take. "What?"

Naruto looked at him, confused. "I said you shouldn't be active for a while. Your ankle's pretty bad."

Sasuke dimmed. Right.

"Goodnight."

"Night."

A brief pause and then, "If you have to go in the middle of the night, wake me up so you don't kill yourself getting there."

"As if," Sasuke responded. It was just a sprained ankle. He didn't need a wrangler.

"See you in the morning, Sasuke."

"Okay."

"Night."

"Stop talking already!"

* * *

The morning was...well, morning. The hotel room was too cold and the towel around Sasuke's foot had created a puddle in the sheets at the end of his bed. The ceiling fan was on and Sasuke's teeth clacked together as he glanced over to Naruto's bed, not entirely amazed to see the intern sprawled out on top of the covers like it was ninety degrees or something.

At some point during the night Naruto had crept out and retrieved their laundry; it was piled on the room's decorative armchair. If it were any other day Sasuke would have made some wry comment about folding, but he had bigger fish to fry.

Like Sai.

Sasuke peeled himself out of bed, wincing slightly when his ankle protested. He pulled the towel off and examined it, noting that it didn't look as bad as he thought it would. And while he was pretty sure he was supposed to stay off it, he swallowed the heart wrenching fact he'd just have to suffer through abusing Naruto's kindness and concern for one more day as he pillaged nearby cities for the psycho with his backpack.

He did his best to quietly approach the armchair, careful not to disturb the slumbering Naruto. He looked awfully serious when he slept and Sasuke slapped himself in the face when he felt his eyes honing in on a very _amazing_ sight.

_In the morning pitch a tent  
If you're lucky you'll get bent!_

Sasuke groaned. Leave it to his stupid brother's ridiculous sayings as a kid to enter his mind at such a critical moment of attempted neutrality. Naruto was torture. He was a tease. In short, he was going to be the death of Sasuke.

Using every ounce of his willpower to _not_ look at Naruto's glorious endowment through the thin layer of his boxers, Sasuke retrieved his clothes and scuttled to the bathroom. In record time he was changed, had watered down the kinks in his hair, and washed his face. Like a ninja, Naruto entered behind him, rubbing his head and yawning.

"Is it morning already?" he asked, looking slightly dazed.

Sasuke folded the towel he'd been using neatly and set it onto the countertop. "Judging by the clock I'd say yes. Judging by the temperature in this room, I'd guess not."

"Does that mean it's too cold for you?" Naruto asked wantonly.

Sasuke huffed. "Do you see this?" he held up his arm, which appeared rather slim and delicate. It was the gift of Asian heritage, and also the curse. "This is what an arm looks like that has no means of providing its own warmth."

Naruto laughed and the sound was a delicious delight. "You may just have poor circulation. You should work out more. Hey! We could work out together!"

Sasuke bit his tongue. He pursed his lips. What he wanted to say wasn't appropriate.

"No?" Naruto looked disappointed and it made the small thawed part of Sasuke's heart melt.

"Well, I mean, maybe..."

"Awesome!" Naruto hugged him and Sasuke was seduced by the smell of men's body spray and...donuts?

"Why do you smell like a pastry?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow in curiosity as he pulled away, feeling a rush of cold when the other man's head was suddenly removed. Naruto grinned.

"I went out and got us some breakfast last night! Donuts," he explained.

Sasuke wondered just how hard he had to have been sleeping to avoid not only Naruto leaving for laundry, but also for a midnight stroll. "So...did you seep well?" Sasuke asked, trying to figure Naruto's motives out.

Turning the water on, Naruto spoke through splashes against his face. "Yeah. I don't need a lot of sleep though. I prefer to do other things at night."

Sasuke felt his ears burn red and he wondered if it was just his imagination that heard playfulness in Naruto's tone, one that almost urged him to continue the banter. Who was he to resist that?

"Like go out and buy donuts?"

Naruto turned off the water and snagged a towel to dry his face. "That...and other things." There was a glimmer in his eyes that made Sasuke want to crawl mercilessly into a cold shower.

"Right. Okay. How are we going to find Sai?" Sasuke changed the subject, not sure if he wanted to continue the game of _tell me how your milkshake brings the boys to the yard_ with his temporary roommate.

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "You're asking me? You're the bounty hunter."

This was a very valid point. One that Sasuke had nearly forgotten. Without his gun he just felt like a normal human. With the exception of being homosexual and having a club for a foot.

"I'm testing you," he rectified. "You want my position, don't you?"

The expression on Naruto's face as he and Sasuke met eyes was surprising to say the least. There was confusion, shock, and perhaps a dash of guilt. "I don't want your position-"

"Save it," Sasuke waved him off. Anyone who didn't want to work their way up in a company was missing a screw. "First step of bounty hunting is...?"

Naruto's mouth was still parted as though he was ready to argue, but at the prospect of something he could answer, he lit up like a golden retriever who was about to get a trick right. "Use what you know!"

Sasuke curled his thumb and forefinger around his chin. "Yes, yes. And what do we know?"

Naruto held up a finger. "He drives a station wagon."

Nodding, Sasuke exited the bathroom in favor of finding a place to sit. Naruto followed, but kept walking until he reached the armchair where he began to dress himself.

"What else do we know?" Sasuke asked, watching as Naruto's fingers deftly zipped and buttoned his pants. It was a visual declaration of, 'alright everyone, show's over!' Sasuke had to resist shouting, 'Encore!'

Naruto seemed thoughtful. "He draws pictures and works for a secret organization."

"Please," Sasuke shook his head. As Naruto pulled on his shirt, something fell out of it onto the floor.

"You're shedding, Naruto."

Said blond stared intently at his skin for a moment before gazing doubtfully at Sasuke and Sasuke sighed before pointing to the fallen article on the floor.

"Awe, it's the paper crane." Naruto looked truly disappointed and Sasuke wanted to take the damn thing and set it on fire. No matter how he looked at it, a shriveled piece of paper was _not_ a memento.

Naruto held it in his hand and stared sadly at it, all before beginning to unfold what he could. This amused Sasuke greatly. "What, are you going to remake it?"

"It's a business card," Naruto explained, peeling the pieces apart. Sasuke nearly leapt up, feeling like Scooby-Do. _A clue!_

"Orochimaru's Man Harem," Naruto read, and then repeated, slowly and methodically, "…man harem."

An awkward silence settled into the room. Sasuke broke it. "Well? Where is it?"

Naruto squinted and held the paper near the light flushing through the window. "Here. In this city I mean. Only the zip code is different."

Sasuke almost crooned. Well, that was a start. "Let's go then," he announced, though he gave Naruto a sly glance. "Unless you're afraid?"

Straight men always fell for the goad.

"I, Naruto Uzumaki, am not afraid of a man harem." A pause. "What's a harem, anyway?"

Sasuke sighed. Oh, sweet innocence. "I'll explain on the way downstairs. Think you can cover the cab ride?"

Naruto nodded and grabbed his wallet before they left the room, anxious to get an early start on what was sure to be a long day.

"I'll take you, but your friend here is a bit too...gruff."

Sasuke stared, caught between being insulted for himself and wondering how anyone could describe Naruto as 'gruff'. Sexy, built and sensuous-slab-of-man-meat all came to mind, but Naruto in no way looked like a billy goat.

"I think you've misunderstood our visit," Sasuke responded dryly. "I am not seeking employment."

The man at the front desk, at least Sasuke thought he was a man, raised a nonexistent eyebrow. His face was paler than Sasuke's, which was saying something. Also, he was wearing so much make-up and intricate frilly articles of clothing that he would have made a Vegas showgirl feel underdressed. Sasuke had expected this, but still it was hard on the eyes.

It had taken all of Sasuke's balls to walk inside the southern themed villa, decorated to look like a cross between a quaint little Victorian house and a sinful little saloon. The decorations inside were just as confusing, and Sasuke realized that this harem really went all out.

There was a sitting room to the right with quite a few plush red sofas, one of which was already occupied by two men tangled in each other's half exposed limbs. There was whining and moaning and the fervent sounds of sucking, and Sasuke found himself trying to keep very still.

_If I don't move, they can't see me. Any quick movements and I'm done for!_

The man at the front desk noticed Sasuke's sideways glance and his ruby red lips suddenly curled into a smile.

"I'm so sorry. You two came for a night of our services, didn't you?"

Sasuke felt his stomach do a back flip. No way no how was this guy implying that he and Naruto...although it was nice to pretend like in some alternate dimension they would be seeking a man-harem in order to get down and dirty with each other. Sasuke took in the perplexing appearance of the man before him and shuddered. Maybe a harem with less pizzazz.

As Sasuke distinctly replied 'no', Naruto looked insanely curious. "What services do you offer?"

Sasuke slapped a hand to his forehead for the second time in one day. "Nothing we want, Naruto."

"Are you sure?"

Sasuke reconsidered and in a very low voice, only audible to himself, rephrased. "Nothing _you_ want, anyway." Returning his attention to the man at the counter, he put on his I'm-a-bounty-hunter-so-don't-fuck-with-me face, and cleared his throat. "I need to speak with your manager."

"I am the manager." The man smiled more femininely and Sasuke debated a life of heterosexuality. Thankfully, Naruto stepping beside him reminded him that he would only ever be as straight as a circle. A sharp cry of pleasure erupted from the sitting room and Sasuke wondered what it would be like to have Naruto doing _him_ on a couch, in front of unsuspecting onlookers...

"You're Orochimaru? And this is your man-harem?" Naruto's voice halted Sasuke's train of thought, thankfully. Getting a hard on in a place like this was the last thing Sasuke's pride needed. Although, he had to admit that Naruto was doing a brilliant job of pretending like people having sex less than 20 feet away was business as usual.

"Yes. This is my Man-Harem." _This is Sparta! _would have sounded less dramatic.

"Okay, so we're looking for someone we believe you might know," Sasuke began, anxious to get his interrogation over with. "He's Asian with short hair, last seen wearing short-shorts and a belly tee. He may or may not have a brother that may or may not exist. He draws and apparently has a...tattoo on his tongue. That may or not kill him. Does he sound familiar?"

Orochimaru licked his lips and Sasuke saw a layer of the lipstick disappear after the movement. Gross much? Sasuke also noticed that Orochimaru's eyes hadn't once left his own. And they weren't just looking at him, they were looking through him. Undressing him. Seducing him. Or trying to. Sasuke debated telling the man that there was nothing attractive about old men in lacy dresses. Oh, and that his skin tone was too pale for ruby red lipstick and that a nice shade of rosebud pink would look better...

_Way to live up to the stereotype_, Sasuke inwardly groaned.

"Are you with the police?" Orochimaru asked, looking intrigued. Sasuke was also pretty sure a tongue didn't have to move _quite_ that much in order to ask a simple question. He shook his head, but Naruto answered for him, stepping closer as he did so.

"He gave us a ride and we accidently left some of our luggage in his car. We're just trying to get it back." Naruto was standing so close to Sasuke that skin definitely rubbed against skin. Sasuke swallowed some spit that threatened to become drool. Using the power of ultimate transformation, he summoned back his I-remain-unaffected face. He even managed to maintain it as the couple on the sofa climaxed.

There was a shot period of silence.

"I see," Orochimaru looked unphased. "He might sound more familiar if you provided some sort of compensation-"

Sasuke was used to smooth talkers like this, so he interrupted. "Your compensation is me not telling the police that you're an accessory to theft. Oh, and that you offer bribes."

Orochimaru looked surprised. And intrigued. "You're quite the little professional, aren't you?"

Sasuke snorted. "I'm just good at my job."

Another intentional lick-of-the-lips, and this time all that was left on Orochimaru's lips was the red stain of the lipstick that had once existed there. Sasuke shivered when an image of the older man asking, 'Why so serious?' assaulted his mind.

He really needed to lay off the television.

"I bet you're good at many things," Orochimaru incited and this time, Naruto seemed to catch the innuendo.

"None of which you'll ever be able to see. Have you seen the guy or not?" His tone was uncharacteristically clipped, and Sasuke wondered if Naruto was defending him. He obviously was. If Sasuke believed in hugs, he may have given one.

Luckily, after a staring contest that seemed to hold an unspoken battle for dominance, Naruto won over the middle-aged man in a moo-moo and Orochimaru gave in. "His name is Sai, if we're thinking about the same person. I don't know where he would be. Kakashi would, though."

"Who?" Sasuke was ready to take mental notes.

"Kakashi Hatake. He owns a lovely little studio down the way. He'll definitely like your friend here." Sasuke didn't like the sound of that. Enough people liked his _friend_ as it was.

Naruto asked if Orochimaru could write them directions and he did, and in the blink of an eye, they were leaving the man-harem, unscathed.

"That was interesting," Naruto said, and Sasuke half expected him to be more traumatized. Hell, _Sasuke_ was gay and he'd needed to adjust.

"Would you ever have sex on a couch in front of people?" Naruto asked casually. He pocketed his hands in his shorts and the sun hit him just perfectly enough for Sasuke's mouth to go dry in the overall ambience.

Sasuke didn't answer, for many reasons. Saying yes would certainly make Naruto see him differently. No longer would he be 'Sasuke, the man who tripped over a pothole'. Instead he would be, 'Sasuke, the bounty hunter slash voyeur, peep shows welcomed'. He didn't say no because hey, if Naruto was involved, he'd do just about anything.

"I wonder if being watched makes the sex better," Naruto continued as they made their way to the street in order to hail another cab. Despite the fact that Kakashi Hatake's studio was hardly up the road, Sasuke's ankle was a stinging mess of nerves and swell. Sasuke decided that he was lucky another part of his anatomy wasn't the same way, especially where this discussion was headed.

Sasuke never surrendered his neutral expression. "Why are we talking about this?"

"We're bonding," Naruto re-iterated from the day before. He smiled and angels sang.

Sliding into the back seat of a cab that stopped for them, Sasuke shrugged. "Depends on if you like that sort of thing."

"What?" Naruto asked, dropping into the seat next to Sasuke. Apparently Sasuke had waited too long to answer the original question and Naruto had moved on.

"Being watched," Sasuke reminded him.

"Who's watching us?" Naruto glanced around, looking a bit like a body guard. Sasuke sighed and handed the directions to the driver who gave him a very skeptical look after reading them. Sasuke ignored it. He didn't want to know where they were headed for fear he'd refuse and never see his backpack again.

"Who's watching us?" Naruto repeated, still looking alert.

"Nobody," Sasuke said with irritation as the cab pulled out onto the street. "You asked me about having sex while people watched."

Sasuke noticed the cab driver's eyes size the two of them up through the rearview mirror and wondered how much more of his foot he could shove in his mouth. If Naruto noticed the driver's sudden fear of the implications, he didn't let it show.

"Oh! Yeah. Do you like that sort of thing?"

Sasuke stared at Naruto. For a long time. "Naruto, why are you asking about my sexual preferences in a public vehicle?"

"Have you ever done it in a car?"

The cab pulled over and it took Sasuke a moment to realize that they had reached their destination and that the cab driver was most certainly _not_ kicking them out. They paid a measly amount and followed a walkway up to what looked like a boutique. Sasuke had pictured an art studio. Naruto looked like he had expected an apartment.

What neither of them had expected was an indefinitely dirty and raunchy little shop of pornographic horror named Come Come, Paradise.

"Why am I not surprised that these are the types of people that know Sai?" Sasuke decided that he wanted to cry silently in a bathtub for a while and contemplate his life.

"You have your plant that needs watering," Naruto stated, as if reading his indecision to enter.

Sasuke frowned and glanced up at the blond. "How do you know about that?"

"You were talking about it in your sleep," Naruto explained.

Great, Sasuke thought. The love of his life now knew that his only reason for existing was a half dead Venus fly trap.

Shock and horror ripped through him. Did Naruto know _other_ things? What else had he said? Did it have to do with sex? Did it have to do with rough and violent sex? Did it have to do with Naruto, rough sex, and Naruto's abandoned belt?

"You're not looking so good," Naruto, ever conscious of the things around him, said. "Is it your ankle?"

Sasuke wondered how he had ever lived life without an injury to blame all of his problems on. "Yes. It hurts." _Like my pride._

"Do you want to wait here while I go inside and ask about Sai?"

Sasuke decided that being with Naruto in a sexual knick-knack store was far less dangerous than imagining what Naruto was doing inside alone.

"No. I'll come." Sasuke grimaced as he saw the neon sign again. "Go in with you."

Sasuke thought he saw Naruto smirk, but the sun was casting strange shadows over the other man's face so he decided the expression had never occurred. They both went inside and instead of a bell ringing to symbolize their entrance, a high pitched woman's voice crooned, _'I've coooome!~"_

When the wail died down to a breathy silence, Sasuke frowned. "What am I living for again?"

"A plant, I believe," Naruto answered.

"Hello!"

The outburst made both Naruto and Sasuke jump, and like the Wizard of Oz, a gray haired man revealed himself from behind a very ominous curtain. Only instead of being slightly endearing with a powerful dream-grantor machine, he had an eye patch and a stack of x-rated DVDs.

Close enough, Sasuke concluded.

"I am the guide to your sexual fantasies come to life: Kakashi! What can I interest you two boys with today?" If he hadn't sounded so serious Sasuke probably would have smirked. However, seeing as how the man was confident with every word he had said, Sasuke couldn't find room for sarcasm.

"We're here to see if you know a certain someone," Naruto began, and all at once, the one visible eye the store owner bulged.

"_He_ sent you, didn't he?" The gray-haired man leapt over the counter and ran for the door, slammed it shut as it wailed "_I've cooooome~!"_ at him. He locked the door while struggling to close the blinds and Sasuke was a bit frightened at just how many objects in the store gave off a neon glow. Not that there weren't any florescent lights on inside-they were just very dim when compared to a Static Orange Flashing Vibrator set.

Kakashi crept away from the door and looked over his shoulder a few times, as if expecting the incredible Hulk to plow inside after him. Sasuke and Naruto exchanged questioning looks.

"Um, who sent us?" Naruto asked, scratching the back of his head.

Kakashi turned and stared at them like whoever's name he was about to say would strike terror into the hearts of many.

_Voldemort?_ Sasuke's mind supplied.

"Iruka, of course! I told him I wouldn't have rent until Tuesday and now he's going to make me pay..._with my body_!" Kakashi's voice simmered to a passionate hiss and he slumped to the floor, hugging himself tightly.

Sasuke sought to put an end to this madness. "I've never heard of an Iruka in my life."

When Kakashi turned and his eyes glimmered with hope, Naruto ruined it.

"Iruka Umino?"

Kakashi's one visible eyes nearly burst into tears. "He _did_ send you! I knew it!" He crawled alongside the main counter, making headway towards the secret space beyond his magical curtain.

"Seriously? Iruka lives around here?" Naruto sounded genuinely happy, and Sasuke glanced over to him with a suspicious curiosity.

"You _know_ these people?"

Naruto glanced towards Kakashi, who was pathetically trying to squeeze himself past a blow up doll to make it to the back room. "Well, not him." They were both silent a minute as Kakashi wiggled like a worm. Naruto cleared his throat. "Yeah...but Iruka helped me find apartments to live in when I was in college!"

Sasuke couldn't imagine the world being smaller. Or creepier. "He makes people pay rent with sex?" This put a whole new spin on whatever heterosexual innocence he believed Naruto to have.

Naruto held up his hands in defense. "I've never had sex with him. Ew."

The front door jostled and Kakashi called to heaven for mercy. "Please God, no!"

"Kakashi, open this door immediately before I'm forced to use the spare key you gave me," came the voice from outside, and Naruto's face lit up like a Christmas tree. He skipped over to the door with the intention to open it, and Sasuke assumed he recognized the person speaking as his long-lost realtor.

"Don't do it!" Kakashi wailed, and Sasuke glanced over to him, or what was left of him in the main room. He had managed to crawl past the blow up doll, and now his foot was tangled in an assortment of handcuffs. "Oh God!"

Sasuke stomped over to him and yanked back the curtain, glaring down at the lunatic on the floor. "Pull yourself together, man!"

He was met with desperate eyes. Eye. Sasuke narrowed his eyes. Was that a _fake_ eye patch?

"Kakashi, what on earth are you-"

"Iruka!"

"Naruto!"

"Iruka!"

"Naruto! Wait, why are you here?"

Naruto pulled the other man into a hug and Sasuke decided this Iruka was harmless. Except in the fact he was hugging Naruto. That made Sasuke jealous.

"We're here looking for someone!"

The look of questionable concern on Iruka's face could be seen even from where Sasuke was standing.

"You're_..._here...looking for someone? No one worth finding would come to this store," Iruka said matter-of-factly.

Kakashi clutched the fabric of the shirt he was wearing. "Oh sure, twist the knife."

Iruka sighed with irritation and turned to close the door. "It's good to see you, Naruto. Kakashi, I really need the rent."

Kakashi looked guilty and Iruka looked honest, and in the middle, Naruto and Sasuke looked extremely confused.

"Iruka, is this the guy you're dating?" Naruto asked, looking thoughtful. Sasuke laughed inside. No possible way-

"Yes. Unfortunately."

Sasuke's childhood shriveled up and died. He raised a condescending eyebrow. "You're_ dating_ this maniac?" He also wondered how Naruto had figured that much out. Was he perhaps more observant than Sasuke made him out to be?

"Again, yes and unfortunately," Iruka answered, and his attention swiveled to the man in question. "Rent money?"

Kakashi begrudgingly traveled to the cash register and plucked an envelope from the till. "I was going to buy you something special."

Iruka smiled as though Kakashi had just announced an engagement and the whole conversation left Sasuke speechless. Even his inner sarcasm couldn't come up with anything.

"I appreciate that, Kakashi. But we need a place to live first and foremost."

Kakashi nodded and Naruto grinned. "You guys are really good for each other!"

A regular Holmes and Watson, Sasuke snorted, his cynicism returning.

Iruka glanced down to a watch on his wrist and looked hopefully towards Naruto. "I'm free for another hour or so. Do you want to grab some lunch?"

Sasuke didn't but Naruto did, and apparently the porn shop closed for an hour each day around noon. Therefore, in less than ten minutes Sasuke found himself seated at a dingy sushi parlor with the man he secretly lusted after, his realtor of sorts, and a delusional man wearing a fake eye patch.

"You can't use chopsticks?" Naruto asked him as Sasuke forked some soba noodles from the bowl in front of him. "Aren't you Asian?"

Sasuke, who hadn't said a word edgewise during the entire outing, gave Naruto an extremely straight face. "You have blond hair and blue eyes and your name is Naruto Uzumaki. I'm not the first to break stereotypes here."

Kakashi came to the table and handed them each a plastic cup of water, making extra sure that Sasuke's ended up close to him. It seemed like an act of truce.

Iruka looked thoughtful after swallowing a mouthful of a tuna roll and sighed. "Naruto was adopted by an Asian couple. They loved him very much."

Sasuke searched what remained of his Japanese vocabulary and tried to place the meaning of Naruto's name. Given that Uzumaki was most likely a surname, 'fishcake' wasn't much to write home about. Unless the couple's slogan was, 'for the love of fishcake!'

"I won't lie," Iruka said, changing the subject since Naruto wasn't really elaborating, "Sai isn't someone you want to be friends with." Naruto had explained their situation on the car ride to the restaurant and had somehow swindled Kakashi and Iruka into believing that Sai and themselves were on friendly terms. Sasuke had bit his tongue before announcing that friends didn't let other friends be psychopaths.

"I think he's just confused," Naruto said, his optimism blinding. "He probably doesn't have anyone that understands him."

Sasuke blinked. "His _therapist_ understands him."

Naruto gave him a sour face.

"What I'm saying is that he really is a part of an 'organization'. He works at a nightclub downtown...in a really sketchy area." Iruka took another bite of a different sushi roll.

Sasuke snorted and took a long swig of his water. "And let me guess, his tattoo will really kill him?"

Iruka looked confused and Kakashi leaned forward knowingly. "If you bite off your tongue you'll bleed to death."

"That's not the same as a tattoo killing you," Sasuke deadpanned.

"Regardless, we need to get our backpack back," Naruto had finished the last of his ramen long ago and was waiting on a second bowl.

Iruka didn't look content knowing what they had to do. "Well, I'm not worried about you going Naruto, but your friend here should stay out of danger."

Danger? Sasuke had sudden flashes of all the times he'd nearly lost his life delivering court paperwork and couldn't imagine anything worse. _I laugh in the face of danger, ha ha ha!_

"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself," he relied resolutely. "I'm a bounty hunter, after all."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "You can do that? With your limp?" He looked amazed by Sasuke's apparent talent. He hadn't realized he'd been limping so much, either.

"He sprained his ankle yesterday," Naruto explained. "And I agree. If we have to jet outta there..." His eyes found Sasuke's and Sasuke felt like a puppy that had been kicked. And he wanted Naruto to make it better.

"I'm not going to be uninvolved," he declared, taking another long drink of his water.

Naruto looked stubborn. "I'll call Gaara. He's a bounty hunter too. He'll have his gun."

No, no, no! Gaara was so _not_ allowed to take his place! Naruto was _his_ sexy sidekick!

"I refuse to be left behind!" Sasuke shouted.

The look in Naruto's eyes told him that he didn't have much of a choice.


End file.
